welcome to my journal

I did a crazy thing … I quit my corporate job. During pandemic time.

Before coming to that decision, I was shaken by fear and guilt. Fear of losing stability, fear of uncertainty but the fear that kept me back , forth and hanging is the fear of letting people down.

I started a new role, in the same company. Not totally new but it was an opportunity I seek to get back into the career path I was on before kids. I remember those years fondly. I enjoyed what I did and left only because it was long hours and I couldn’t commit myself to it any longer. You know your priority change after having kids. During the interview, it was crystal clear what my priority are, what motivates me and make me happy: kids, connecting with people, helping people and I am drawn to creativity. It was actually clearer to me as I hear myself speaking out loud. A week or two into the new role, we went in lockdown. Everything was meant to slow down because there was no full time driving after work but instead the days were long and I felt trapped in my study room. Every morning, I dragged myself out of bed and walked into the study room and every night I would returned to my bedroom, exhausted, deflated, my wrist and head scream in agony from pain. There was no lunch nor dinner for the kids and no time to write or take photos. I felt so lost and miserable. Without sugar coating anything, I was not a mum in those weeks.

Perhaps the lockdown was a way the universe wanted me to reassess myself. I knew when we are coming out of lockdown, I can’t work the hours I’ve been because taking kids to activities are non negotiable. I did express this to my manager and he was kind enough to offer support to see how we can work through it. On Friday, he asked if I could give it a chance and I said yes. How do I say no to this. Come the Monday, a 30 mins scheduled convo with my manager, me asking him why he does what he does and ironically, that conversation gave me the courage to call him that afternoon and resigned without turning back.

I find no purpose in what I do.

I can try to make it work, one more day, one more week, but eventually we will return to this conversation again because simply put, I hated what i was doing. Once upon a time a job I enjoyed, no longer today. I’ve changed. I would just be lying to him and my team. Hanging on because of my personal fear of perception and letting people down is not serving them. Allowing them to invest more time in me makes no sense.

I changed. People around me see it. I was short and sharp, unhappy. I carried the energy that no-one should be around. I lost myself.

I’m at the age now I don’t want to do anything that I can’t see its purpose.

Throughout all this, I learnt that there are somethings that can’t be forced. You can try your best to make it work but letting it go when it no longer serves you, is a kindness upon others too. That saying “when you know, you know.” is my favourite quote right now.

The picture above, I took it this morning. Picture this every morning before I leave for work: I’m dressed and ready to leave the house at 6:15 am or there about every morning. It’s still dark outside. Without failed, my girl would wake up to say good morning to me in her sleepy to me, pull me down for a kiss and say I love you Mummy before I leave the door and on days I thought she’s so deep asleep that I sneak out quietly, as I walked pass halfway through that horizontal panel I see her sitting there on the bed (just where I’m sitting right now taking this pic) waving her hand and say bye bye mummy, I love you. That bed hair and sleepy smile ..

Scare .. YES! but being able to finally jump and letting go .. what a feeling.

.. to uncertainty and another new beginning.